grace undeserved

Just hours ago i received an early christmas present from my husband, allan. I was fixing my things and getting ready for work when he got so excited and told me to close my eyes because he wanted to give me my present alreay.. Said he can’t wait for christmas. So i closed my eyes - half of me not knowing what to expoct. When i opened my eyes the first thing i saw was a pink nokia c3 phone. My husband was holding it up to my face with a smile as he said “merry christmas!” i was laughing at first with disbelief.. I wasn’t expecting to receive anything for the holidays bacause i know how tight money is right now for us. I found myself laughing so hard that i didn’t notice tears starting to fall down my face.. I kept saying he didn’t have to buy this for me..it was costly and i could inly imagine the lengths he went through in order to save up for this… But allan said, “no, you deserve this”.
I realized it was the same thing with my life. All this time i have been thinking that i don’t deserve anything good to happen to me after i got pregnant and had been so ashamed of it that i decided to seclude myself from my church family for almost a year now. But God was saying “you deserve this even if the world thinks you don’t deserve it..even if you think you don’t deserve it.” i was blown away. For the longest time i have ignored the truth - the beauty of God’s redeeming love. I am overwhelmed right now..
I thank God for allan everyday..he is the best gift God gave to me and i am thankful to be his wife. I feel resurrected.. I feel i’ve just woken up from deep sleep…it’s a new day for me..a happy christmas indeed!

i’m tired of being stuck in this rut for almost a year..someone has asked me when will i get over it…i can’t really answer.. people say that the first step to solving something is to admit that there’s a problem.. well i know i have problem..so there goes step one.. but what comes after that? that’s my dilemma..

somehow i can’t still let go of the memories of last year..even though my husband has reassured me that he believes i can rise above it all. but the truth is i feel i have lost my zest for life..my passion..my life line..

i feel i have done the most heinous of all sins that i have managed to break the bridge my Savior has built between me and my Creator…i know i have broken His heart a million times, even beyond count..i’m ashamed to show my face at church.. and even if i do, i know the fire inside my heart that once was ablaze with such annointing is now as cold as ice.. i’ve grown cynical..indifferent..apathetic..

this is my first time to put my thoughts into writing again.. i have not seriously written for the longest time because generally i’m afraid that the truth that i’m still not ok will officially be true once it’s on paper.. it makes it more real.. so real that i know i have to deal with it now.. frankly i feel that i have put off facing my skeletons to make room for my career, to be wife and a mom.. forgetting that i have lost myself slowly..i’m just about gone..

I need my Savior..I need a revival..

God, i know no one or nothing can ever separate me from You„from Your love… help me believe it again..

(Source: princessofpeace)

i was watching the episode in glee where kurt and finn’s parents got married. funny because i didn’t cry in my own wedding but their wedding march was a real tear-jerker.

my relationship with God is not a task i would need to write on a post-it so i could remember to do..it has to be like breathing - you can’t live without it..

i have been passionate about so many things in the past. But somehow after sometime, they fade and i’m back to being mundane and feeling ordinary. it’s as if chasing after the wind. my object of passion is always out of my reach. leads me to  one question: am i trying to find my happiness in the wrong places?